what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
