Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
