please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
