If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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