Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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