Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize