you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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