you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
