Barsexuality is the new black.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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