you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
