I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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