It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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