I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I enjoy the company of your penis
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
