i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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