I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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