Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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