Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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