Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
your like the ambassador to my penis.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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