I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
