the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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