I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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