i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My ass is underappreciated
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
