No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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