My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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