im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
