Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
not ubering you a puppy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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