Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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