If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
is it fun? or sober?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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