you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
