Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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