It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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