Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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