Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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