ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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