five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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