My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
