its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
