My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
