Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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