ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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