loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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