wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
