my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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