I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
