I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize