i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
