She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
