i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Bring me that man meat
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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