Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
