i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
