i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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