I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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