theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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