I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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