pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
