i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
