Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
