In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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