I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
