so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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