I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
