i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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