I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
