the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
