he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
